Connect2 Couples Counseling

Is there a grain of truth to the statement I am kinder to a stranger than I am to my partner/spouse?

If so, consider these questions:

• How did I get here?
• How long has this been true?
• Is this new for me, or a repeating pattern?
• How did I treat my partner before?
• What’s my part in these exchanges?
• Am I willing to be kind again?
• What does being kind sound like? Look like? Feel like?
• What can I do today to be kind and what do I need to do for myself to work on this?

Notice if you’re thinking that if only . . . my partner were kind to me, I would be kind to him/her. You can change your own behavior, not his/hers.

How do you feel when you are kind? How do you feel when you are unkind?

Someone once told me we can go without sex for a day, but we can’t go for a day without justification!

Lately I’ve been thinking about the image of healthy couples as being a bridge. Each of you is one foundation on each side of the water. A strong foundation must be built (they don’t magically appear) in order for the bridge to stand. Only after each support is built can the span be built. The couple determines the purpose and design of the bridge.

To truly be there for your partner, you need to be emotionally attuned to him or her, while staying solid in your sense of self — my own feelings, my own body sensations, my own thoughts and perceptions. A healthy relationship is akin to a well-built bridge: it moves; it sways, flattens, contracts, adjusting to changing conditions; all the while the foundation is solid and resilient.

This seems to be a bit difficult to understand, much less to know how to do. We have this huge cultural myth hanging over us — Don’t be dependent or needy. The truth is that we need to be inter-dependent, and needing others in healthy ways is, well, healthy. Most of us want to be needed, too. Not overly so, but needed.

Yet many of us were taught, consciously and unconsciously that our Self is the reflection of our caregiver(s), and somehow we’re not supposed to be separate. So perhaps, when one of you gets triggered (or moody), the other person takes on the same feelings since you were not supposed to have your own feelings, voice, perception, and so on. That’s just the way you are supposed to be with your partner.

What does relationship resiliency look like? Sometimes you come further across the bridge to support your partner, other times he comes further across. Ebb and flow. This creates a working bridge, a secure attachment; attunement, I know you’ve got my back, I seek you out for comfort and sex, our bridge is the gateway to our home as a safe haven that gives us what we each need to go out into the world.

• Here are a couple of examples of a non-resilient bridge:
  If, based on my earlier life experiences, I feel anxious about the attachment we have, and I don’t trust that your span will reach far enough across, or only be there some of the time (i.e. can you hold me in all my various facets?), then I can’t relax into our inter-dependence. I wonder if I can count on you.
• Or, if my life experience has taught me that people are not available, then I will be avoidant; I’ll pull away and not hold up my part of the bridge and you will be hanging out over the water at times.

So what do you want your bridge to look like? What does each land-based foundation look like? Does your span cross a stream, a river, a lake, a bay? If you’re ready to create your own bridge as a couple, give me a call . . .

As I researched this topic I found articles and websites that call it Empty Nest “Syndrome.” Now we are pathologizing a natural transition? Let’s not. Is it normal that we have a huge adjustment when our teen leaves home? Absolutely. Is it normal that moms and dads react differently? Absolutely.

I don’t know many adults that relish change. I know many people who think about change — immediately followed by fear of the unknown. And usually, until the pain of a certain situation becomes greater than the fear of change, most adults leave things as they are.

However, our kids’ growing up and leaving the nest is a healthy developmental step — for all of us. That doesn’t mean we are without feelings and reactions to it. Our job as parents is to prepare our children to leave us and spread their wings.

So how can you prepare for this transition, which in many ways is out of your control? The good news is that parents who spend quality time with each other are the couples who will be happier with an empty nest. This means stress-free time, in which you don’t talk about your kids.

Here are a few things to contemplate:

• What is the current state of your relationship?
• How would you like your relationship to be?
• What would you see, hear or feel to know you are loved, heard, and cared for?
• What would it mean to you to have your relationship as you imagine?
• Is your spouse attuned to you?
• Does your spouse have your back, no matter what?
• When you need comfort, do you seek it from your spouse?
• Do you seek sex from your spouse?
• Have you created a home that is a haven from which you gather strength for the rest of your day?

From my experience, couples feel that much in their relationship is good; they wish for a few tweaks in a couple of areas. Does this sound like your experience? We are allowed to ask for change that helps our marriage, despite the myth otherwise.

No matter where you are together right now, here is the best possible news: our brains can change throughout our entire life. That means we can feel, think, and behave differently. Whether we have been taught the skills and tools to do so is another question entirely.

I will write more on the empty nest. I’ve given you a lot to think about . . .