Ping Pong

by Chandrama Anderson, MFT Posted: Monday, 1/23/2012

Is this post about needing to win, or playing together?

Is this post about a technology ‘ping’ of reaching out to another system for a status update?

Is this post about getting bounced around and sometimes going outside the boundaries?

Your limbic, or emotional brain is both sophisticated and basic:

Ping: Am I safe? Is there a cause for concern? Is the person around me okay? What state is that person in?

Pong: Now what state am I in — in response to his or her state? Now I’m reacting to his or her state.

Ping: What’s going on? Now s/he’s reacting to my state.

Pong, Ping Pong, Ping, Pong . . .

Wait!! Is this an upward spiral of connection through your ping pong system? Or is it a downward spiral? Are you even aware of this never-ending limbic dance? Or are you  ‘heads’ having a logical (cortical) conversation/argument? Is one of you having a limbic conversation while the other is having a cortical one?

Are you exhausted yet?

Our well-developed safety/survival-oriented limbic brain is constantly pinging those around us and reacting through limbic resonance. This is actually a very sophisticated system.

It goes awry, however, when the ping pong system is bouncing you about emotionally. Conversely, when you know yourself, and stand on your own two feet emotionally, you can be aware of your partner’s state, BE ATTUNED to him/her and still stay in your even-keeled state while you are caring for and about your partner.

Awareness of self, awareness of other. Not reacting. Responding.

Ping. Care. Ping. Love. Ping. Listen. Ping. Support. Ping (Please don’t fix or give advice.) Ping. I’m calm. Ping. Oh, you’re calming, too. Ping. I’m okay. Ping. I’m okay, too. Ping. Soothe. Ping. Breathe.

Maybe you’re thinking, “Yeah, right!” or perhaps, you’re calming as you read this. Our system is built to react, that’s why we’re still here. Yet you can learn to notice your reaction, and then choose a response. Limbic and cortical. It makes us stronger.

Ping.

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Incandescence

by Chandrama Anderson, MFT Posted: Monday, 1/16/2012

” . . . in the study of the brain, where too many experts, out of plain fear, avoid mentioning love . . . . We think the heart is dangerous and must be left in . . . the heart and the brain– like charged particles of opposing polarity– exert their pulls in different directions. Where they are brought together the result is incandescence [italics mine].” — Another amazing quote from Lewis, Amini and Lannon in “A General Theory of Love,” a must read in my opinion.

Wow, incandescence. Don’t we all want that? And yet when we don’t have that in our primary relationship, and we are each doing what we think will lead to connection and incandescence, we can grow weary, frustrated, angry, and/or disillusioned. We wonder what’s wrong with my partner and maybe even wonder what’s wrong with me?

We first have to get out of the downward spiral of free-fall toward divorce. Let’s work on getting to neutral, at least, and then see how to build (or separate) from there. This work of knowing and being my authentic Self is hard and exhausting. I have to hold the mirror up to my own face and watch myself say ugly words that escalate the disconnection. I have to see my own pain and wounds without blaming so that I can heal, learn and grow.

Whatever you decide, to stay in your marriage or to leave it, please remember that you go, too. You take yourself with you, and you can not escape yourself (although many try with alcohol, drugs, too much work, exercise or fill-in the blank here).

I am not saying that your partner is treating you right, or even well. S/he is likely not treating him/herself very well, either. I am not giving permission for poor behavior. But it’s also probably true that his/her behaviors are actually intended to regain connection — even the worst attempts as we react and react and react to one another. That’s similar to the brain/heart polarity mentioned above.

What if . . . what if I can grow enough to learn how to create incandescence with my partner? And it is learning tools and skills; it doesn’t just happen. As in every other major and important endeavor in life, we need tools and skills. And at some point, we have to decide to be in this together. One person can not make a marriage work; it’s a two-person job.

What if . . . ? Can you imagine . . . incandescence . . .

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Are Female Orgasms the Key to Inner Hunger in Women?

by Chandrama Anderson, MFT Posted: Monday, 1/9/2012

While watching a video about gratitude on TED, I stumbled across a video of Nicole Daedone’s talk about the inner “hunger” in women; truly a cry for connection beyond shopping, errands, mothering, career, etc.

Nicole has a book out and a center for sexuality that she truly believes will change the world; a woman’s self acceptance by absolute focus and attention to her vagina and clitoris, and orgasm. Physical well-being through orgasm.

In the video (yes, her clothes are on) she describes the process of 15 minutes of sex with a clothed man, where he shines a flashlight on her vagina and describes in minute detail what he sees and slowly brings her to orgasm.

Most people are seldom “seen” and described in such detail. Maybe it will heal the world . . .


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Here Be Dragons!

by Chandrama Anderson, MFT Posted: Friday, 1/6/2012

In November I wrote about the The Four Stages of Competency, that begins with the Unconscious Incompetent, perhaps also known as our unconscious. Jung referred to it as our “shadow” side — the parts of ourselves we don’t know about, and frankly don’t want to face.

This week I wrote the back cover copy for my soon-to-be-released Connect2 Personality Mapping book, and found myself using the term “here be dragons” — representing the portion of the unconscious that was drawn on ancient maps when the territory was unknown. I find it interesting that terrifying serpents and dragons were used to represent the dangers of the uncharted places.

My take on the scary shadow side in therapy is that we are all human and all have traits that are on a spectrum of intensity — and usefulness — in the right situation. My tendency is to shine a flashlight in on the self that we don’t want to see or know about so we can begin to befriend those parts of ourselves. My supposition is that our traits are important and necessary, and when we use them in the right volume in the right situation, we can feel good about and proud of ourselves.

For example, we have a cultural bias against being judgmental. Yet judgment is on a continuum in which discernment is near the other end. Dictionary.com defines judgment thus: “the ability to judge, makes a decision, or form an opinion objectively, authoritatively, and wisely, especially in matters affecting action; good sense; discretion.” And of course we all want to be discerning about everything from who we trust to what wine tastes good. The definition of judgmental, “of or denoting an attitude in which judgments about other people’s conduct are made” is important — note that the word “attitude” is critical to our relationship with our inner life and shadow side.

A situation, for example, in which a person around us is being bullied or treated in an unjust manner calls for us to use judgment to help that person. In this case, judgment is a crucial trait for motivating us to action. Ah, so judgment, wholesale, is not actually a trait to hide, be ashamed of or to eliminate! It is actually doing the right thing, and likely creating a connection.

Judgment that is based on “attitude” will usually separate us from another, and lead to disconnection. That’s the time when we need to check in on ourselves regarding the volume and situation, and (hopefully) make an adjustment on the fly. And of course that takes practice. We likely will have amends to make while we’re learning, but that’s okay, too (this attitude in itself represents a decrease in self-judgment).

So the “here be dragons” portion of our incompetent self is just a stage in our evolution and growth as a human being.

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“Who we are . . . depends in part . . . on who we love.”

by Chandrama Anderson, MFT Posted: Friday, 12/30/2011

One of my favorite books is “A General Theory of Love.” Lewis, Amini and Lannon write poetically about love research, and they talk about limbic resonance, limbic regulation and limbic revision. The gist of it is this: when in proximity to one another we exchange energy and our physiology responds and changes, too.  Think about how your mood changes around different people that you know.

Limbic resonance is when we become attuned to each others’ emotional state. Limbic regulation is “. . . to adjust and fortify one another’s fragile neural rhythms in the collaborative dance of love.” Limbic revision is the ” . . . power to remodel the emotional parts of the people we love.”  The authors continue, “Who we are and who we become depends, in part, on who we love.”

This takes the idea of power to a completely new level. Our ability to attune emotionally to one another can heal — or harm –another, and will certainly restructure the brain of each person, throughout one’s entire life.

Since we hold the power to emotionally remodel our partner, that raises many questions. How do I remodel with integrity? How am I remodeling in ways in which I am unaware? How can I do this well, with a good heart, despite my own unfinished business?

What am I doing when I show emotional attunement, love, compassion, listen well without giving advice or fixing? I am shaping a loving, secure attachment and connection. What am I doing when I disconnect, withdraw, yell, criticize, show contempt, become defensive? Probably feeling unsafe or anxious and trying to protect myself. But this is a downward spiral that needs to be interrupted and healtheir limbic regulation/revision is needed.

In therapy or counseling, limbic revision is done by presence and attunement (limbic resonance and regulation) and experimentation with new tools and skills (limbic revision). This is the art and science of therapy. “A General Theory of Love” put into practice.

(For further definition and a few more details about this fabulous book, see http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Limbic_regulation)

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“Don’t Compare Your Insides with Someone Else’s Outside”

by Chandrama Anderson, MFT Posted: Tuesday, 12/20/2011

Doesn’t everyone look together? The happy couple? Doing their job well? Driving their nice car? Getting schoolwork done? Christmas or Hanukkah shopping? Cooking gourmet meals? Entertaining at a beautifully set table? See their well-behaved kids?

That’s the outside. We have no idea what is on the inside. Many of us have a “Gremlin” (from Rick Carson’s Taming Your Gremlin) saying we’re not good enough, or we made a mistake, or we’re not lovable, or we’re bad and not worthy, or we better keep putting on a good show otherwise people will find out what we’re really like. Or maybe we’re grieving the death of our mom, son, brother, dad, sister, daughter, cousin, grandparent, friend, or partner, and just trying to make it through all the holiday cheer. Maybe a loved one is away at war, or battling cancer, and we’re putting one foot in front of the other to get through this day. Or maybe my partner hardly talks to me anymore or we sleep apart, but we don’t want anyone to know. Or . . . we can’t begin to guess.

The holidays can be hard because of the gap between the media/Norman Rockwell happy family at Christmas, and the reality of our own situation. The gaps may be about a variety of things: family, your partner, money, how holidays are observed, who does “all” the work, alcohol consumption, power, etc.

Please do not compare your insides to others’ outsides. We have no idea what they are going through. Instead, focus on self-care, and what is in our realm of control. Breathe, exercise (even if just a little bit), drink a lot water, eat healthy food, be kind to yourself and those around you.

Notice your Gremlin and say “Hi,” but don’t give yourself over it it. Find a realistic and constructive answer to your Gremlin.

Ask yourself these three questions, and act on your answers:
1.”What is in my control?”
2.”What are my options? (seek three)”
3.”What works best in THIS situation?”

Be sure to maintain your integrity and be kind to yourself and others, no matter what you decide.

Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, and cheers to your authentic self!

*I read this quote while on vacation recently, and it was attributed to the 12-Step program, although I did not find the source online.

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Are We the Only Couple Having Problems?

by Chandrama Anderson, MFT Posted: Monday, 11/28/2011

No, you are not. Despite how other couples look to you, you are definitely not the only one having problems.

In the same way that you don’t want anyone to know your relationship is in trouble, other couples are doing the same.

A few years ago I helped present a two-Saturday couples workshop with Kathryn Ford. One of the most striking things about it was the couples’ amazement (and the comfort in finding out): We are not the only ones! All couples have difficulties and struggle at times.

So the question isn’t who is having issues — the question is what to do about it? I implore you, do not wait six years (the average time couples wait before seeking help). By then you will be almost “out of rope” and learning new skills and tools when you’re at your wits’ end is so much harder.

Are you looking at your partner with rosy-colored glasses? Clear glasses? Or have you reached the stage where every action and conversation is tinted by compost-colored glasses; eroding trust, bit-by-bit, day-by-day, and night-by-night?

Perhaps a better question is: Are We the Couple Taking Care of Our Relationship?

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Thankful / Grateful / Appreciation

by Chandrama Anderson, MFT Posted: Sunday, 11/20/2011

Those of you who are my clients already know that I encourage you to be thankful and appreciative, even for the small things that you expect your partner to do, and to say “Thank you” often and specifically. For example., “Thank you for doing the dishes,” or “Thank you for bringing me coffee in bed,” or “Thank you for being a great parent when you encouraged Joe with his algebra,”  or “I appreciate it when you rub my back,” or “I appreciate you listening and making eye contact with me when we talk,” and so on.

Dr. John Gottman  of the Seattle “Love Lab” has done extensive couples research and has determined a 5:1 ratio — you need to say at least five positive things to your partner for every poor thing you say, in order for your relationship to last. So your appreciation and saying thank you are critically important to the health of your relationship.

What do you have to be grateful about? To feel grateful about? Notice at least three things each day you are grateful for.

Even if things are difficult, notice the small, medium or large things you can do to make things better or different. Notice your partner’s efforts, too, and appreciate each one, specifically.

I am thankful, grateful, and appreciative of my clients. Thank you for letting me into your life, your mind, and your heart. It is truly an honor to walk part of your path with you.

I am grateful for my family and friends, especially for the specific help you provided this past year, and the loving care that brought us all to this Thanksgiving.

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Do You Give or Receive “Still Face”?

by Chandrama Anderson, MFT Posted: Wednesday, 11/16/2011

What is Still Face? Watch this short video by Dr. Ed Tronick (director of UMass Boston’s Infant-Parent Mental Health Dept.). Yes, this relates to your adult relationship. When you look blankly at your partner when s/he is talking and/or interacting with you, you are giving Still Face. It just as upsetting to adults as it is to babies — we just hide it better.

Healthy relationships are about emotional attunement. We show and give attunement with our voice, our facial expressions, and our body language.

Withdrawing or disconnecting from our partner, whether physically, mentally, or emotionally, is a coping strategy developed early in life; and usually for good reason(s). In some way, withdrawal helped us feel safe. Whether there was a lot of yelling going on, inconsistent attention, abuse, withdrawal, or something else, avoiding situations was likely a healthy choice as a child.

Now, as an adult, take a few minutes to consider this question: How does withdrawal/disconnection/lack of attunement serve or harm your life? How does it play out in your relationships at home, at work, socially? You might make a list of how it helps, how it harms, and what is interesting about it that neither helps or harms.

Our traits are useful, when we use them in the right volume in the right situation. If someone is behaving aggressively toward us, withdrawing may be the best response. If our partner wants to talk about a topic with you, withdrawing likely won’t be the best response. You always can say you’ll talk about it later — just be sure you go back and do so. Otherwise, that’s just another form of Still Face.

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What feeling is not allowed, and what do you use in its place?

by Chandrama Anderson, MFT Posted: Tuesday, 11/8/2011

What feeling do you not allow yourself to have, either because it is intolerable to you, your family didn’t allow it, or it’s just too scary or painful to have? What feeling or behavior do you use in its place?

Here are a few examples:

  • I can’t feel vulnerable; I use anger instead.
  • I can’t feel scared, I use disconnection instead.
  • I can’t feel shame, I use judgement instead.
  • I can’t feel anger, I use criticism instead.

Take a moment to consider your answer to this question. Breathe.

When you notice yourself feeling or behaving in your “instead” mode, slow down and wonder if the feeling you’re not allowed to have is at play. Slow down some more. Just breathe and notice the feeling. Don’t fix it, don’t indulge it, just notice.

Try saying to yourself, “Isn’t it interesting, I’m feeling _______.” Breathe again.

When we can learn to tolerate our difficult feelings (notice I didn’t say good/bad/right/wrong) we have the opportunity to find out what they’re about. And we can then ask ourselves what we need to attend to. Once we do, the feeling usually subsides. If we don’t, the feeling grows until we pay attention.

Feelings are like road signs. Yield, Curves Ahead, or Sharp Left Turn is information to which we need to attend. Neither do we park our car under the road sign. Either ignoring the warning (a feeling) or parking (indulging/ruminating) will likely lead to a crash.  The same is true of our emotional life.

So for now, just notice. After you gather more information about yourself, you can devise experiments to address these feelings. If you want help, ask for it.

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